Alone in a Field of Flowers
by Amazonian21
Summary: Kagura's first and final moments of freedom. [SessKagura]


Alone in a field of flowers

By Amazonian21

For Emily, wherever I may find her.

* * *

Alone in a field of flowers, she waited patiently, holding her own death in her hands as she pressed her fingers to the wound. She never would be able to stem this tide of blood. This was the end. Her death, that constant friend who'd walked with her from the beginning, had come to shake hands and be properly introduced.

'At least,' she thought with a small, sad smile, 'I can introduce it to my heart when he comes. It's beating, my heart, I can feel it...' And she could. Her fingers, holding her death, met the pounding of her estranged organ, whole and real in her for the first time. Just in time to die. She smiled at the grisly handshake she was initiating. Her death and her heart, connected through her weakening flesh. How appropriate.

Above her birds sang. Around her bugs crawled. Over her bees buzzed. They all had a purpose and place in this idyllic setting. She was the intruder with her miasma stained wound and her gasps for breath. They all had a path and knew where they were headed. She had no idea of what would become of her. Funny, she'd never before thought to be jealous of insects. They were so simple and so short lived. She envied them greatly in that moment. It turned out she wasn't much different from them afterall.

'I'm dying,' she realized, with a sinking and awful finality. 'When I stop breathing, when this poison eats me through and through, I'll cease to exist. I won't see this world anymore. Where shall I go now?'

She really didn't know. She didn't have a soul. She was a creation, a bauble, a tool, a puppet. And her strings were now cut and she was sent to the scrap heap, her time long done.

'I have nothing,' she mused, as pain danced up and down her back, rippling the muscles there as each nerve died, its little pain signal a final salute to her being. She silently saluted them back in her mind. They'd served her well.

She would miss her nerves, she decided. She would miss a lot of things. But, at least in her final moments she has what she's wanted since the first moment she awoke to hollowness. Since she first beheld a piece of herself, her very center, something inviolable and personal, something she should have had with her as a birthright, sitting in a cold jar in the hands of a madman. She had her heart. She was no longer under the control of anyone, no longer fearful of trading one psychotic and evil master for another. She was free of all strings, all ties, and all chains. There was no longer any glass encasing her heart and spirit, both were now fully her own.

'I can go everywhere,' she realized with a smile, one that reached her eyes more fully this time. 'Now I know that when I leave, when I really and truly leave, there won't be anyone to try to pull me back.' This was bittersweet and brought tears to her eyes even as her heart beat stronger in determined happiness and pain danced merrily in sympathy.

'I am free,' she thought to herself more forcefully. 'I never expected to live forever anyway. But now I can die where I chose, here in a place I could have loved if I'd had the chance. I am free.'

A spasm of pain grew insistent and shook her body, making her arch off the floor and roll to one side. She squirmed in a limited fashion, looking to alleviate any of the racking torture her wound was spreading over her weakened form. Nothing would help. She was too weak to situate herself more comfortably. Freedom, it appeared, would be quite painful.

'Dammit,' she thought, as her hand slumped over listlessly at her side. She stopped struggling. 'My body won't do what I want. Traitor.' She tried to smirk at that thought and let a weak chuckle escape before the pain in her chest turned it into a gasp.

Oh, how she wished things could be different. She would never give up this lightness inside that told her she was beholden to none. She would never retie any strings around her heart, even if it meant living a little longer. But still...

'It sure is quiet,' she thought, ignoring the lingering pain as it sent aftershocks through her system. They didn't matter anymore. Resisting the pain would just take energy that she didn't have. Better to embrace it and move on with her death with some dignity.

'But... Nobody's here,' she thought, a touch of sadness lingering over her liberated heart. 'There's nobody to be brave for.' The thought depressed her, even in the face of her ultimate victory. She would prefer to be remembered for something great, for dying well with a smile on her lips or a memorable saying. But it looked like she would be denied that. No one would come to carry her last moments to the world, giving her a life beyond the one that ended here, in a field of flowers.

'Will it really end here?' she wondered, thinking about all she'd heard of souls and heaven and hell. She honestly didn't know. She was an anomaly. She was a golem. There was no god to watch over her- they were too busy keeping track of the souled individuals. Besides, she'd killed a lot of good people, no matter how unwillingly or on whose orders. Gods wouldn't extend their hand for something like her.

She'd be more inclined to believe in the demons of hell taking an active interest in her once death came, but even that was doubtful. The only demons she knew were only interested in punishing her while alive. They'd already done such a thorough job she doubted she'd hear much from hell.

She wanted answers for her future, some guiding light to show her what path she'd walk. No answers seemed ready to come, however.

For the moment, the pain had dulled to an ignorable level. Her blood was flowing away too quickly for her to feel anything but numb. And that numbness was spreading. A peaceful lethargy began to take its place.

'Just by myself,' she thought drowsily, appreciating the fact that Naraku would not be gloating over her. His face would not be the last she'd ever see. Really, when it all came down to it, that was what she'd always wanted.

'This is the freedom I was seeking,' she sighed silently, languidly preparing to release her hold on a world that never held her back. She could even release some of her regrets. She could forget faces that she'd never see again, and wait patiently for the next step.

A rustling drew her attention. Kagura felt her heart thump once in fear and shut her eyes tightly, praying to the imaginary god of golems that Naraku had not come after all. He was cruel enough to give her hope of freedom and a private death, only to destroy that dream once she'd begun to enjoy it.

However, when moments passed and no words were spoken, Kagura opened her eyes. Naraku never would have stayed this silent for so long. He gloated loudly, out in the open for all to hear.

Kagura turned her weak neck and focused her eyes on the still and silent figure in front of her.

She let out a little gasp of surprise. "Sesshoumaru..."

He was here. He was standing in front of her, impassively watching her last moments on earth.

Her heart thumped excitedly in her chest in recognition.

'Would you look at that,' Kagura mused idly. She'd always wondered what it would feel like. She was glad she'd gotten to experience it once. It made her heart feel a little more connected to her body. She hadn't had long to fully integrate it, after all.

Why was he here?

As if answering her unspoken question, Sesshoumaru began to explain.

"I came following the scent of Naraku's miasma," he said, without inflection or emotion. Apparently the sight of mortal wounds was not enough to shake the stoic youkai's countenance.

Kagura's heart couldn't help but throb sharply in response to his callous words. Of course he had come after Naraku. He undoubtedly hoped that the large amounts of blood on the wind indicated a weakness in his greatest opponent. He certainly wouldn't have made a special trip to watch her die.

"Heh," she said in response, cringing at how weezy her words were, "Did I disappoint you?" When one elegant silver eyebrow arched in question, she clarified, "That I wasn't Naraku."

So softly, so gently that she almost doubted her own ears, she heard his response.

"I knew it was you."

Kagura's eye flew open and she looked directly into his face, desperately searching for meaning in his blank looks. But there was so little there for her to detect. This youkai had always been a closed book, and she knew now she'd never have the chance to open it. She wouldn't have time to learn to understand him.

But he was here. He was here when she was dying, and now she wouldn't face the unknown alone. That was enough. She didn't have to understand. He'd come to her knowingly, able to distinguish her from the evil hanyou who'd controlled her life.

She looked straight into his eyes and smiled, the first true smile she'd ever given anyone. She gave him, in thanks for sharing her death, her freedom smile. It was all she had, but it was her everything. She wanted him to have all that she truly was.

The last pain hit her so suddenly that she couldn't avoid curling in on herself in desperation. It just hurt so much...

She didn't see Sesshoumaru's hand fly to Tenseiga's hilt, or see him draw it in preparation. She didn't know that for the first time in his entire life, the cold taiyoukai was attempting to use the healing sword's powers for his own reasons, on his own initiative. She didn't know that it was his desire, and not the sword's, to see her live.

She also missed the fleeting look of panic that crossed his features when he realized the Tensaiga would not transform.

The sword could not save her, and all his efforts and intents were for naught.

He moved his hand away and dropped it to his side. He didn't want her to have the burden of false hope to bear at this moment. He could see her death almost as well as she could. He had to admire her bravery in the face of such a tragic figure.

"You leaving?" he asked, mainly to fill the silence. He would let her know that for the moment, he was still here. He may be helpless, but he was still here.

The smile she gave him was almost bitter. It was the smile of a person who has everything they've ever dreamed of right in their hands, knowing they would lose it all before ever feeling truly whole.

"Yeah," she answered him in a small voice, smiling for his sake. Or maybe just smiling for the sake of smiling. "Soon. Very soon."

Sesshoumaru felt something clench painfully in his chest. He didn't stop to think about what it was. He was unfamiliar with emotions, and lacked the training required to deal with inner demons of this caliber. He would have given a small ransom to trade this unseen enemy for a thousand physical opponents.

There was so much that would never be done. And so many decisions that would never be made. He did not love this demoness any more than she loved him, but now they'd both lost the chance to explore that unlove forever.

Sesshoumaru could not bring himself to leave, though he wished he could. Her resigned face, softer and more real now that she had her living heart, was the most beautiful and tragic thing he'd ever seen.

"It's time now," she said, meeting his gaze one last time. She had someone to be dignified for. She had someone to see that little smile she'd worked so hard to prepare. Somehow, that made everything all right.

"I'm scared," she admitted, noticing the way his eyes widened a little at her confession. She knew most people were supposed to go bravely into the unknown, but she'd never thought bravery was the absence of fear. She didn't mind admitting her weakness to this demon.

"I don't know where I'll go, or what will happen to me," she continued, beginning to feel the final numbness. She would not regain feeling after this.

"At least here, at the end, I got to see you," she said softly, closing her eyes forever as the stoic demon lord finally broke, rushing forward to embrace her empty body.

But there was nothing for him to hold. Kagura's body, poisoned and battered beyond repair, gave up. It returned to the dust from whence it came, leaving Sesshoumaru's arms empty and strangely cold.

Sesshoumaru hung his head for a moment, allowing his long silvery hair to pool around him. She was gone, and he didn't even know where to.

A small fluttering caught his eye.

Out of the ashes of her remains, riding a small gust of air that even his heightened senses couldn't detect, a lone white feather rose to the sky.

Sesshoumaru felt his chest expand and his lungs breathe in deeply as Kagura's body burst into a gust of pure wind, once again a pure element unhindered by the physical world. She was free.

Sesshoumaru stood, regaining his feet and his regal bearing, as the wind wound around him, caressing his cheek softly in a final, lingering goodbye. He closed his eyes for a moment, imagining the feel of light fingers smoothing his brow, thanking him for sharing the moment of her freedom.

He remembered that in the end, in spite of everything, she was smiling.

He smiled a small smile, as well, suddenly feeling much more free and light than he ever had before. The breeze around him was a cleansing one, and he strode off into the forest, bearing the remains of freedom's first breath away in his lungs.

And the flower field continued as it always had, filled with direction and merry purpose, as an invisible and gentle wind smoothed over it, caressing it lovingly as it passed.


End file.
